TELL ME WHY I DON’T LIKE VSTi

 

SCENARIO 1

I run to the living room to look for the briefcase with the computer, but it's not there, the cleaning lady moved it. So I call her to find out where she put it. She doesn't answer.

I insist, on the seventh attempt she tells me that she put it on top of the closet while she was dusting and forgot to put it back.

I go to the neighbour to borrow a stepladder (luckily he's at home) I go back, get the bag with the computer and take the stepladder back to the neighbour.

I go back home, I clear the coffee table in the living room that I use to put the computer on and in doing so I knock over the ornament that my girlfriend gave me. It breaks into a thousand pieces. I curse.

I go to plug in the power cable but I notice that the schüco adapter is no longer there. I call the cleaning lady again, who confirms that she had unplugged it to use it with the vacuum cleaner. I go to the closet and look for the schüco among rags, mismatched shoes and boxes. It's not there.

Third phone call to the cleaning lady, who unfortunately can't explain where she put this damn adapter.

I think: either a treasure hunt in the house, or yet another visit to the neighbor to borrow the adapter. I choose the neighbor. He's gone out.

So I go to the Chinese shop downstairs and buy yet another schüco (somewhere in the world there must be a cemetery for lost schücos, I think it's next to the cemetery for mismatched socks and missing pencils), I go back up, plug it in and turn on the computer.

"Windows update in progress, please wait and do not turn off the computer". No big deal, I take the opportunity to look for the USB cable (it should be in the desk drawer). Miracle, I can't believe my eyes! It's right there.

I go back to the living room and wait for Windows to finish updating. I wait. I wait. I curse.

Here Windows has finished updating: I connect the USB cable and launch the DAW. I turn on the keyboard. I press two keys. Nothing happens. I check the connections and settings of Reaper, which may be semi-free but you need a degree in astronautical engineering to make it work.

Nothing. Nothing. Nada.

I curse.

Then I have a stroke of genius: could it be the broken USB cable? I run over to where I keep a ball of assorted cables, half-drowned in the dust and remains of hardware and carpentry left over from the construction of the casemates on the Pordoi Pass.

I cut myself. I curse. Let's hope I don't get tetanus. I unravel an old, half-rotten and frayed USB cable, go back to the living room, and connect.

It works, but in the meantime the DAW asks me for the license key. I reinsert it. It's wrong. I'll try again. It's wrong.

I go back to the closet to see if I've archived the DAW box. I rummage through a pile of paperwork that you wouldn't find in the Vatican Museums. The dust gives me an asthma attack, I run to the bathroom to look for the ventolin, I can't find it, I feel like I'm suffocating.

There it is behind those damn conditioners of my girlfriend (where we men do everything with a shower gel, women have a million products: for the face, for the right hand, for the left hand, for long hair, for short hair, the morning cream, the night cream, the tea time cream...).

I spray the ventolin down my throat while I'm almost suffocated. The asthma attack made me remember the DAW password.

I go back to the living room, I enter the password. The DAW restarts, the screen with the 14,750 acoustic piano sounds catalogued by manufacturer appears. I just don't remember what I wanted to play anymore.

I open the window, throw away the keyboard, the computer and the cables.

SCENARIO 2

I turn on the digital piano and play.